I’ve become very depressed by the way so many people of my age – 72 – have “let themselves go”.
If they don’t adopt the asexual motorway service station look – trackie bottoms or slacks, nondescript top, no make-up and short cropped hair (so easy to keep tidy), it’s those batty old ladies who think it’s still fun to go around in laddered leopard-skin tights, with rather mangy purple streaks in their hair.
The better-dressed oldies usually hope that an outfit consisting of all black with a stylish Indian shawl flung over one shoulder will cut it (not really), but the heroine of the series of books I’ve written – a kind of elderly Bridget Jones diary about a 60-year-old granny (the latest is No Thanks! I’m Quite Happy Standing!) is very fashion conscious and never goes around in anything unless it’s by Vivienne Westwood, even if she’s bought it second-hand from a car boot sale.
Myself, I was taught some style tips for the older woman by my mother, who was Professor of Fashion at the Royal College of Art in the sixties and nurtured such talent as Ossie Clarke, Foale and Tuffin, Zandra Rhodes, Bill Gibb and Anthony Price. So it’s worth reading what she had to say.
- Never wear white next to the face. It makes yellow teeth look yellower.
- Always keep your upper arms well covered. You don’t want those bingo wings showing.
- I’m not really too keen on glasses on strings. A friend said they make people look deaf. I know. It’s unkind. But it’s true. Strings certainly make you look infantile. Remember those photographs of the little princesses? Always in little velvet-collared fitted coats with pudding basin hats and long white socks – and always, hanging from their cuffs, would be long strings with their gloves at the end.
- Never buy anything that comes from a company with a title like The Classic Collection.
- I’m wary of wearing anything that looks remotely comfortable. I’m talking Velcro fastenings on shoes here. Any time anyone says: “Oh my, that looks comfortable!” I rush home and change. It implies that what I’m wearing looks old and baggy and “lived in”.
- Always be spotless. It’s funny, young people can wear filthy old binbags and shoes with holes in them and still look great – but show me an old man in a beautiful suit from Paul Smith, lovely white shirt, immaculate shoes – one egg stain on his tie and he looks utterly repulsive. As for the older woman with a stain on her skirt! No thanks!
- Always keep clean. Keep showering and bathing. Very important.
- Finally make sure you possess and wear the most glamorous dressing gown in the world. Because you’re going to be spending a lot of time in it in the future.
— Virginia Ironside
No Thanks! I’m Quite Happy Standing was published on 21 April (Quercus).
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